Where the hell am I?

so...jennifer left. it's been a couple of days and i am still trying to get used to the thought of her not being here when i come home...
she says she is having feelings of guilt like she let me down because she didn't stay...now don't get me wrong i did want her to stay but i don't want her to feel guilty because she didn't. she did just what she had set out to do the whole time. I wish she wasn't feeling that way. i know she wouldn't be happy here..i know she would miss her family and friends. Sometimes love just isn't enough. It's not always enough to move across country. It's not always enough. You know the saying you can't live on love alone. well this is very much the case. You can't live on love alone...but not just in the sense of money..in the sense of family and security. the sense of home.
i sat in my car and waited for her plane to take off just thinking and not so secretly hoping she would not leave. hoping she would get off that plane and come to my car and we could live happily ever after...blah. in my fairy tale nonsense of a mind. she is doing what she needs to do right now. i get that. i am doing the same thing. i am doing what i have to do and she doesn't fault me for that. how the hell could i fault her for it?
this girl means the world to me and i don't want to do anything to lose her. i want to know that i am going to have my forever with her. i would also like to know where we are supposed to start this forever and when it will start.
this is so hard. i know my fuse is short when it comes to everyone around me but it really seems like they think this is puppy love or something...
one of my friends says that i look for relationships with girls who live far away so i have an excuse to run all over the country. she doesn't like the relationship i am in and says it isn't good for me...blah blah she's too young...blah blah she doesn't know who she is yet...blah blah she needs to grow up some..blah blah blah blah...i asked what she has against jennifer and she said nothing..but i think there is more to it. why would you not want to see your friend happy???? wtf??
all in all...it's been a shitty week..i don't see it getting better anytime soon. more shitty days to follow this one...quite a few actually. at least until thanksgiving or so.
in conclusion...
FUCK OFF WORLD!!!
ps i know i just rambled on and on..sorry.

people who don't believe in god and heaven and hell make it a point to throw it in your face. I have never thrown religion in anyones face but recently I have noticed that people without religion (usually those who find themselves spiritual) make it a point to either belittle my belief or argue my belief. Now I understand that some people who share my beliefs are rude and abrasive in sharing their guidance. That isn't me though. Nor is it anyone I have met in the gay community who shares my beliefs. People want to say how open minded they are and how they can't follow a religion that has structure sure do lose some of that open mindedness when it comes to Christianity. Quite frankly I don't give a damn what you believe..have your beliefs or don't have any at all that doesn't concern me...but don't purposely offend others. Show some respect...I have shown you some.

So..i have been back a few days and I don't know how to feel. I know that I am not grieving properly. I have been taking out all my frustration and anger and whatever on the people closest to me. I don't know how to stop. My personality is changing and I can only hope it will go back to normal. I can't cry anymore and I don't have the strength to be as mad as I feel like I should. I feel like I have so many emotions in me right now that none of them are rational.
I came to a hard realization that my father is gone. I will never hear him laugh again. I will never see him smile, hear him tell a joke, listen to him talk about classic cars, bitch about the government, or even yell again. He will never hold my children or see me get married. He will never meet someone I am dating again and be able to tell me what he thinks of her. There are so many things I didn't even know where important to me that will never happen. My dad will never see my little brother graduate or go on his first date. Never again...
I think it scares me to think he is gone forever. I got his class ring and I locked it up with my mom yesterday. I would like to keep it out and wear it all the time but it makes me so sad to look at it. I feel like no one understands how i feel. How could they? Especially if they still have both of their parents. I also feel like maybe I am staying sad too long. I hate feeling woe is me. I hate it.
I have noticed I feel extra sensitive and extremely needy. It's weird cause I want someone so close to me but at the same time I want everyone to go away. I want someone to hold me and let me cry..to let me know that it's ok to feel this way (even if its not). I want someone to put me first for the first time in my life. Just let me be sad, mad, hurt, upset, scared, worried, standoffish, and a bit irrational. Why is this asking too much. I need someone to hold me and let me feel all these things. I need someone to play with my hair while my head is in their lap and just help me feel content again. Help me feel like me again. SOMEONE...HER.
What a waste...what a damn waste. Life goes on I guess...the living cannot die with the dead.

I will be the blanket that keeps your heart warm
the cleansing water that washes away your worries
the green tea that heals your soul
the lover you can count on and the friend you need.
one hand to hold and one hand to hold you up.
I will be your strength when you have none
Your courage when you are afraid
I will be your light in the darkest times
I will shelter you from the world
I will be the pillow where you rest your head
and the bed where you lay your body
I want to be the only thing you want and one of your deepest needs.
Mostly I will be yours..heart and soul.

She takes my breathe away.
On a daily basis she says something that makes me think.
She keeps my heart in constant motion.
She cares as much as I care...this is such a new feeling.
Her big brown bunny eyes...stare into my soul.
Her beauty...so much more than skin deep.
Her age is new..but her soul is old.
She is so profound in one breathe and so silly in the next.
Her laugh can fill a room..but her whisper can hold my attention.
She doesn't see my past..all she can see is now.
She loves the nerd in me..and reminds me of this daily.
Photosynthesis, why is the ocean blue, nuclear reactions...tend to make her sleepy.
Her brilliant mind plays dumb at times, just to make me feel at ease.
Her peaceful soul gives me rest..and settles my weary emotions.
Her..she..all over this girl.

ok so here are somethings that are going on in my life

Family-
My dad is in the hospital again. Congestive heart failure, and his kidneys are only functioning at 30%. He is doing somewhat better and they have cut back his morphine...we will have to wait and see but I am expecting a call any day telling me i need to come home.

Work-
I was up for a new position. I didn't get it. I also made a huge payroll error (that was caught before payroll was processed) that may end up getting me fired. They haven't decided yet..it has been a week of waiting to see. It is killing me. They are at a point that we have to finish this ramp and they are hiring anyone..I mean ANYONE that applies. If they have never touched a computer before, never used the internet or are just plain stupid..they will hire them but they expect me to train them in the same amount of time and still turn out great agents that can trouble shoot internet connection and pc issues. WHAT THE FUCK??

Health-
I have been really sick. My doctor said it was allergies but i have had fever, congestion, headaches, sore throat, ear ache and all around feel like shit. I know this will get better it's jut a matter of time.

Love-
I met a girl a little over a month ago. She is amazing..we have had one helluva
month. Now it's over. We both have commitment issues but I guess hers run deeper than mine. We did the typical lesbian rush into it with you eyes closed bullshit. I care about her a lot and I hope we can stay friends. I just have so much going on otherwise that I can't focus on a relationship right now. I think it's the same for her. She just lost her job and her best friend and mother are giving her shit about me. It's just too much. Sometimes I think I will be alone forever. Not because of this but because I don't know if I want to work hard enough to make a relationship be what it is supposed to be. My heart hurts right now...bad.
I miss Susan. She is having such a hard time and I know she needs me...it kills me. Plus every single time i hear "lips of an angel" by hinder, I think of her. It is our situation completely. We never let go...and probably never will. She told me yesterday she wished we could work it out. I do too but I know we can't.

Overall-
I feel like I have lost who AJ is. I know who ROCKSTAR AJ is...and I know what she does and how she treats people. But the soft center of this shell..that's where the real AJ lives..but now I can't seem to get to her. No one can. Jayme thinks she did..maybe she did. I just can't seem to turn this hard, bitter, cold AJ off.
Guys you gotta help me..I am losing it a little. Things are getting a little overwhelming and I can't show that to the people closest to me. It would scare them.

why has there not been an update to my friends page since the 27th????? What the hell is going on?

It has been a little bit since I updated here. So here we go. I met a new girl. We have hung out every day this week and it is wonderful. I never spend that much time with anyone!! She is a little young and kinda immature but I actually like that about her. She keeps me from taking myself too serious. She has the most amazing eyes I have ever seen in my whole fucking life. They are the bluest blue...and like BAM!!! They just pop out at you. It was the very first thing I noticed about her when we first met. So we have been spending quite a bit of time together and we love to be around one another. There is only one problem!!!! Her boyfriend that live 6 hours away. WTF!!
Anyway I am a little bummed out cause she is in Indy right now visiting said man..and I miss her soooooooo much. She called me last night and we talked for about an hour and she kept telling me she misses me and doesn't want to be there but she feels like she has to. I hate that. I don't know if she is telling the truth or not. One of her best friends says that if Jesci says it..it's true. So I am not going to jump to conclusions or be untrusting. She hasn't given me any reason to think she is lying yet. So...she will be back Sunday night and I get to see her for a little bit, then I leave at 4am Monday morning to go to VA for work. A whole freakin week and to top it off my cell phone won't work there. I had to get a prepaid phone for this little trip just to be able to stay in touch. BULLSHIT!! Anyway. That is all that is really going on in my world.
Holla!!

I tried out TrustFlow II for LiveJournal. The following people not on the friends list for leatherkitten are close by:

• blakthorne (100 - 150)
• akromachick, bloodpudding, sancta_viscera, blindmyeyes, vomitbox, madamevicious (150 - 200)
• angelsinheaven, lostlittlelez, dragoondefender, buddy_stems_, deathbydagger, fem_tomboi, lexi_029, wrestlegirl, papiroflexia, terraincognita_, kejlina, gina23 (200 - 250)

( More results below the cut... )

Created by ciphergoth; hosted by LShift.

TrustFlow II: Who is closest to your friends list?

not really just some shit that is on my mind.
I'm not sure i believe in love anymore. Not the kind of love people dating feel. It's a load of crap. You can get the same feeling from eating chocolate. That should tell us something. Chocolate isn't good for you..neither is Love. LOL! anyway.
The girl that i have been "seeing" is acting weird. I think she is slowly slipping into depression. Honestly i see this as my out. I should run now. We all know i don't do well with emotional illness. She refuses to get help. Instead i hear "i will just have to get over it." Well we all know that you can just "get over" depression. Hell yeah. WOW!
Things are so weird between us right now. I know i should run. I don't love her..hell i don't even like her half the time. She doesn't appreciate me or care if I'm around. She says she does..but i don't think so. She will go days without talking to me, be nice for a half hour, and i just take it. This was our conversation earlier
ME- I don't even know why I talk to you sometimes
HER- Me either
ME- ...Yeah you're right..**i hung up**
now she tried to call me back..i didn't answer. I broke down and called her back though. She asked if i hung up on her. I said yes i had. She didn't care. Now This whole thing with her isn't that serious. We know it isn't love and probably will never be more than a hook up..but why make someone feel like shit just because you can???
I feel dumb sometimes. I guess I like being treated like shit. She doesn't care if I do anything for her. I could tell her to go fuck herself and it would be the same as hugging her. Not healthy.

this describes how i feel right now..it's almost perfect.

both hands~ ani difranco

i am walking
out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and i am getting
nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through...
the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last
and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing
graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of
how hard we tried
i am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
i am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deed
with both hands
in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and i'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and when we leave the landlord will come
and paint over it all
and i am walking
out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and i am getting nowhere with you
and i can't let it go
and i can't get through
so now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
i am writing graffiti on your body
i am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried

have you ever had a friend that you just craved??? i mean you wanted to talk to them and be around them all the time? I have a friend that I feel this way about and she feels this way about me. Now it isn't always in the "friendship" kind of way. Sometimes it is lustful and passionate. Sometimes I could get off just hearing her voice...other times we get lost in conversation and loose track of time. We have some kind of weird bond makes no sense. I haven't known her long but I can talk to her about anything. ANYTHING!! There are things I have never told anyone that tell her. In a heartbeat I could give my heart to this woman...so what's the problem?? She is married. Not just married but happily married. She loves her husband and would never dream of doing anything to betray his trust and love. I understand this and I know that she and I will never be together. I respect her relationship with her husband...but it doesn't mean I have to like it. It would be easier if she wasn't sooooo beautiful and intelligent. Maybe this is some test...I'm not a homewrecker though. I never have been not even if they weren't happy. If she told me tomorrow that he makes her miserable I would tell her she needs to figure out what would make her happy..it's not something I could take part in. I didn't talk to her yesterday and it sucked. I did get laid yesterday though. It was really really nice..I thought about her the whole time..the WHOLE time!!!! She has become my full on fantasy and my very best friend...how bizarre.

ok..so i am here at work..i don't want to be but i am. i had a serious conversation with "the girl" last night. I was in a bad mood yesterday and i realized that i am starting to take this whole situation with her WAY to seriously. I remember that I am the one that said "just let it be what it is until it's something else". Well somewhere along the way i forgot that...and i tried to turn this into a "relationship". It's not and it never will be. She will never be able to be out to ANYONE..not even herself. Plus this is not the person i want to be with for forever...by anymeans. She is funny and awesome to be around. I like making out with her and the sexual stuff isn't bad...but that doesn't mean I have to dedicate my life to her. I shouldn't get mad if she doesn't answer her phone and i shouldn't care if she has better things to do than me. Sometimes I have better things to do than her. This is more than a booty call and less than a relationship. We may not sleep with other people but it doesn't mean we have to be up each others ass's all the time. I know that if she meets a nice guy..she will be gone tomorrow...and honestly..it will hurt but I'm ok with it.
so..when i start to bitch or piss or moan about this situation just remind me..
"aj let it be what it is until it's something else"

I got two hours of sleep last night..it's my own fault though. I was on the phone with this incredible woman. She rocks my socks. She is beautiful, intelligent, and has a great sense of humor. She is everything I have ever looked for in a woman. We like the same movies, lots of the same music...sounds great doesn't it??? She is married and loves her husband very much. Now i respect that and you all know I am not a home wrecker and would never dream trying to do or say anything to jeopardize her marriage. It kills me though.
I got to spend some time with "the girl" today. It really shocked me that she showed up at my house. We haven't spent anytime together in a few weeks. My best friend asked me if I got some booty..I told her no..I got something better than booty. I got time. Time was all I was needing. She makes me so happy and so mad at the same time. I know her sense of humor is different and I think I was being a little hypersensative about somethings. I think it's because I was tired and she was tired. I was taking things far, far to seriously. I love spending time with her. Holding her hand, looking in her eyes, kissing her, holding her...god. She is still telling me that she doesn't want to date anyone until December. She says it is because she isn't over her ex who treated her like shit...that makes sense...she is also worried about her grades and I don't blame her a bit for that.
I just wish she reacted to me the way my married friend does. Sometimes it feels like nothing I do or say impresses her. I know she is grateful for the things I do for her...but I don't think she cares if I do them. I wish I didn't care about this. I wish I could just let it be what it is until it's something else. I just don't think she will ever let it be something else. She isn't open to it. I am not the type to give a shit if other people know about us..but at the same time I'm not in the closet..don't ask me to be.
She drives me up the wall and loves the fact that she has that power over me. She loves to make me say please...and I secretly like the fact that she runs things but I don't like the fact that she is mean about it. I know part of her mean-ness is her weird sense of humor. She admitts she speaks before she thinks.

ok.so i got to talk to "the girl" last night about some things...it's funny cause i feel better about everything right now..but i know that nothing will change.
AJ-"hi my name is AJ"
Pretty Girl-"Hi AJ my name is pretty girl...you are cute"
AJ-"Did I say my name was AJ..cause I ment to say Door Mat"
Pretty girl-"does that mean i can walk all over you?"
AJ-"Of course honey..i'm a door mat...WELCOME"

Gotta love that!

i am running away. No really i am. I am sick of this situation and the fact that she won't change the situation. I am leaving. And I'm not dating women anymore. They suck and hurt you all the time. FUCK IT!

i am soooooo excited cause i haven't gotten stupid drunk in a while. So if i have your number be ready for some drunk dialing..if i don't and you would like me to drunk dial you email it to me ajhays at gmail dot com. lol. I know that someone is waiting for me to get drunk and call and confess my undying devotion...the sad thing is i probably will. and maybe that is for the best. LOL. later

the quality sucks..but here are some pictures of the bite over a week later...it still hurts

So this day has been quite eventful. NOT IN THE GOOD WAY!
It started badly at 4am. Then it got a little better (Thanks to Teyah and H)...then
it pissed me off.
What the fuck makes people think they can treat you however
they want? I mean what the fuck did I do to deserve to be treated like
an asshole. I really like this girl, but it is going no where fast. She runs
hot and cold. I didn't go out tonight cause I promised not to hook up
with anyone else and I didn't even want the temptation. She goes out (I don't
care about that) but then when her plans fall through with someone else, she
calls me. Does her best to make me feel like shit cause I won't come to her
house while she is "a bit intoxicated". I have told her that I don't hook up
with girls when they are drunk, it doesn't work out well. WTF!!! I asked her
to not be mean to me about it cause I have had a rough day (not
that it matters) but she just keeps on. Then gets pissed when I don't feel
like being guilted into something. FUCK THAT! I really fucking like this
girl. I don't want to like her, it just happened. I try to make her feel
special and be nice to her, but it's like she doesn't know how
to act unless she has someone being a dic to her all the time.
Well honey..that's not gonna be me. I was having a bad day and I'm
sorry you called me at the end of it. I got really excited when I saw
who was calling but, if I had known it was gonna make me
feel worse...I wouldn't have answered. I DON'T WANT TO PLAY
GAMES!!!!! Some days it would be great to be invisible. Maybeit would hurt less.